I found this in my notes today:
It’s difficult to fix a problem in a relationship while continuing to view the other person through the lens of their mistakes and holding on to your resentment. I used to think that life with mom was difficult because she was a bad mom.
There was something about her cancer that gave me a lot of empathy for her in a short period of time. It was like the news of cancer suddenly refocused many of my memories and I re-lived them in my imagination from her perspective. I realized that while some of her choices ranged from blatantly wrong to not ideal, they made sense in the context of her life at the time. Still not right but understandable. And once I understood the possible reasons why she hit me or drank at the bars or was snarky with me – once I saw how I contributed to her stress – I found it a lot easier to forgive her.